Dikt: Carola Ankarborg

Allt som finns kvar av henne är ett morrande ljud
när våra händer närmar sig hennes ansikte.

Morgon och kväll tandborstningen.
Hon biter ihop och vänder bort huvudet.
Ett försök att bända upp munnen är ett övergrepp,
en anmäla, ett avsked.

Truga, buga, be, en glipa och snabbt gnida runt
med borsten innan protesten blir för uppenbar,
innan slagen mot samvetet blir för hårda,
huvudet som sliter från sida till sida.

Tandkrämen som fradga ur munnen.
Hon kan inte gurgla.
Hon kan inte spotta.
Hon kan inte svälja.
Efter en andra stroke kontrollerar hon inte
längre stora delar av sin kropp.

Kvar att styra över har hon sin vänstra arm
som hon sträcker emot oss.

Hennes ögon vandrar mellan oss.
Hon känner igen. Hon kan
rutinerna lika väl som oss.

Kroppens behov anpassas efter schema.

Tre gånger om dagen kopplas hon till sonden. Inflöde.
Tre gånger i veckan Microlaxen och toalettsittning. Utflöde.

En vit sträng rinner från hennes mungipa
ned på haklappen.
Hennes haka är alltid våt.
Dygnet runt bär hon en färgglad handduk i halslinningen.

Vi baddar rent hennes ansikte
och gröper bort nattens spår ur ögonen.
Hon kniper ihop och vänder bort huvudet.
Att inte försöka är ett övergrepp,
en anmälan, ett avsked.

Morrandet accelererar.
Tänderna mal som stenar, gnistrar mot varandra.

Truga, buga, be.
Det spelar ingen roll hur ynkliga vi gör våra viskningar.
Det spelar ingen roll hur snällt vi ler och lovar.
Hon kan se den våta tvättservetten
närma sig i ögonvrån.

Allra värst är duschen.
En gång i veckan bältar vi fast henne i duschstolen.
Liften får stå kvar som ett vaktande ståldjur.

Bunden till plaststolen. Bunden till liften.

Redan när vattnet träffar hennes rygg spänns kroppen ytterligare.
Huvudet växer till ett illrött klot när jag masserar in schampot, tänderna maler, handen som en vev, frustande och fräsande
skakar hon huvudet, vippar med kroppen,
en spänd fjäder i stolen.

Att inte försöka är ett övergrepp,
en anmälan, ett avsked.

Den spända kroppen som en lodrät planka över plaststolen.
Bältet och selen hindrar henne från att glida ned på golvet.

Min ena hand en tvättborste som löddrar in kroppen på minuter.
Min andra hand en sarg mot hennes vevande arm.
Löddra in. Skölja av. Kroppen i balans på stolskanten.
Sedan är det över.

Vi lyfter kroppen med den våta selen,
en vattensträng följer oss till sängen,
landar i badlakan, klappar torrt och bäddar om.

Hon sträcker ut sin vänstra hand
och vill klappa våra kinder.
Hon känner igen. Hon vet
lika väl som oss att vi behöver följa rutinerna.

En klapp på kinden och hon får vila.

Carola Ankarborg
KLASS Nr 1-2015
Foto: Carola Ankarborg

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