Romanutdrag: Mot lyckans land av Aino Trosell

Ur arkivet

 

Hans tankspriddhet gjorde att ingenting fungerade som det skulle. Pappas medvetande var liksom utspritt som om en bomb detonerat och allt kastats ut över en stor yta.

Till exempel en midsommarafton, jag är sju år gammal. Vi har rott över sjön till den gamla fäbodvallen där det är dans på lövad bana.

Och pappa ska spela så klart, det är givet. Stolt är man över att ha en far som kan spela dragspel. Han är faktiskt bäst i världen, därtill ett geni på timmerhuggning och schack och annat också, egentligen är han bättre än kungen.

En gubbe sitter och spelar helt fredligt. Det är Mosa Halvar. Men han är gammal. Och dragspelet är ett litet tvåradigt magdeburgerspel.

Även om jag inte vet så mycket om dragspel anser jag ändå att gubbens spel är simpelt. Det hörs förresten på ljudet, som är liksom kort och utan klang.

Min pappa däremot, hade ett stort dragspel vid namn Granesso, gammalt förvisso, men med ett strålande djup i var ton. Detta dragspel är ett treradigt kromatiskt liktonigt spel har jag fått veta mer än en gång. När pappa spelar på Granesson vet jag att han är på gott humör och då blir det roligt vart man än tittar.

Mosa Halvar såg ut att bli glad över att bli avlöst, knäppte ihop spelet, reste sig och gick.

Pappa satte sig på hans plats på bänken, med dansbanan framför sig och ryggen mot sjön.

Och började spela.

 

Sedan minns jag. Som att jag själv åldrades på tio minuter från oskyldig jäntunge till grånad gammal märr färdig för slaktbänken.

Pappa spelar.

Eller, vad gör han egentligen?

Det blir fel. Ja det blir fel hela tiden.

Jag vet att han tänker rätt och jag känner igen melodin, han har själv komponerat den, hans enda låt, det är en vals. Han brukar sjunga den högt, texten är också hans egen, hans enda sångtext, den är vackrare än alla andra sånger jag känner till.

Fast jag är ju å andra sidan bara sju år.

 

Vilda ljuva vildmarkssjö

i naturens sagorike

aldrig skall din stämma dö.

Vågors lek bland fjärd och ö…

 

Men nu kommer låten i fel ordning, sagoriket och vågorna byter plats, de som dansar börjar snava, börjar stanna.

Ja, börjar verkligen stanna, hur man nu kan göra det? Väntar, skrattar generade. Väger på stället, tar sats. Försöker komma igång. Dansar.

Bromsas. Gungar på stället. Nu då? Nähej, bara ett steg. Sedan skiter det sig igen.

Jamen nu?

De vill ju. Vill ju så gärna dansa!

Pappa ursäktar sig svärande och säger att han ska ta allt från början, vänta nu här kommer det igen men fan stup anfäkta. Jo vänta. Nej jävlar. Helvete också Vilda ljuva…

 

Det blev en kaotisk dans. Han var redan gammal, håret hade börjat gråna. Det var stelt och svårt att tämja och stack fläckvis rakt upp precis som på seriefiguren Krikelin. Detta hade mamma nogsamt påpekat, och det var ju sant, håret stack ut som borst på sidorna. Nu föll resten ner i pannan, trots pomadan, medan han försökte hitta rätt knappar och samtidigt dra så där fram och tillbaka så att bälgen skulle få luft.

Simultanförmåga var ett ord jag definitivt inte kände till, men likafullt förstod jag till hundra procent att han glömde dra i spelet eftersom han koncentrerade sig så hårt på att trycka på rätt knappar.

Vilka upplät fel toner, ja jag hörde ju själv.

Och blev själv irriterad, jamen spela då pappa, spela för helvete. Du hör ju. Alla hör ju, att det är fel!

Fast mest skämdes jag. Detta var inte han. Detta var inte pappa.

Jo, det var pappa. Men pappa var ju en helt annan och inte en tok som den här. Som såg full ut och även spelade som om han var berusad.

Fastän han i själva verket var absolutist och redan då hedersmedlem i logen Morgonljus, en edsvuren riddare emot alla berusningsmedel inklusive tobak. Tack för ditt oegennyttiga arbete i logen stod det på baksidan av en trätallrik som han hade fått på sin femtioårsdag. Hur kunde han då se full ut?

Jag blev arg. Varför kunde han inte spela rent? Han kunde ju nyss, i båthuset, det som också var vår sommarstuga och där trätallriken hängde på väggen. Varför kunde han inte nu?

Att han skulle vara nervös fanns inte i sinnevärlden. Han bara krånglade till det och gjorde fel av ren lathet, så var det. Som mamma alltid sa.

Men gud hur jag skämdes. Att vilja sjunka genom jorden, det uttrycket täckte precis det jag önskade mig mest av allt just då.

Jag ville inte vara där.

Hur jag led med de där snälla människorna. De jag kände. De som bara ville ha lite roligt.

Som så gärna ville dansa. Bara dansa och ha skoj, det var väl inte för mycket begärt.

 

Ett par upptäckte mig och log urskuldande. De ville inte göra mig ledsen. De förstod hur jag hade det. Förmodligen kunde de läsa mig som en öppen bok: en liten unge närmast i chock. De hade nog velat trösta, men samtidigt var de irriterade på pappa som stäckte deras uppdämda dansglädje.

Par om par smög av dansbanan. Jag hörde någon mumla att det är ingen idé, det där blir inte bättre.

Men pappa märkte ingenting, han var totalkoncentrerad på sitt plötsligen så svekfulla dragspel. Han tog om och tog om och försökte verkligen, för helvete Granesso! Krikelin kämpade med en melodi som vägrade komma fram ur bälgen och en vid det laget helt tom dansbana.

Men det märkte han inte ens.

Någon vidtalade Hindrik Gösta. Denne förbarmade sig. Stor och ståtlig travade han upp på dansgolvet med sitt pianodragspel på magen, redan uppknäppt och klart. En räddare i nöden.

Fy för jävulen, jag visste att det var fusk med pianodragspel, det hade pappa sagt, det var inget äkta dragspel. Pianodragspel var för lätt att spela på och lät fel också. Det hade pappa sagt. Piano är ett helt annat instrument. Dragspel trakteras med hjälp av knappar, ingenting annat. Så sa alltid pappa.

Men Hindrik Gösta började spela ändå, fast han borde ha skämts ögonen ur sig för sitt fuskiga dragspel. Fast han borde ha känt mitt hat där jag kurade invid dansbanan, vid det laget endast uppmärksammad av knotten.

Avestaforsens brus, han valde en vals, precis som min far.

Pappa vaknade plötsligt till.

Äntligen gav han sig.

Jaså hej Gösta är du här. Ja då får du ta över, det får vara bra med det här då, fingrarna är liksom för stela, vad det nu är.

Varenda ton satt där den skulle, varje takt och ett och annat Tjo. En vals i dur men ändå med stråk av vemod, svårgripbarheter, sensuell längtan, känslor som spränger gränser, perfekt en midsommarafton på en fäbodvall, romantisk, fantastiskt, tjoho!

 

Dansbanan fylldes snabbt. Glädjen var total. Dansen gick så att brädorna kved. Å jag ville dansa jag med! Så roligt det såg ut när hela kroppen visade glädje och vanliga tanter blev till skrattande yrbollar i svängande kjolar.

Pappa hade dragit sig åt sidan, håret fortfarande långt ner i pannan som på en fyllhund fast han var absolutist.

Waerlandist, socialist och absolutist, dessa ord kände jag väl till och uppfattade dem som en fin titulatur värdig en kung som min pappa.

Var Hindrik Gösta allt detta? Aldrig i världen!

Ändå var han denna afton den överlägsne. Han gjorde folk glada och vann deras beundran. Han spelade klämmigt och rent, inte en enda ton blev fel.

Vilken tur att han fanns här på vallen med sitt dragspel. Kanske var det inte som av en händelse? Utan uträknat?

Den där karlen räddade kvällen.

Han räddade faktiskt hela midsommarfesten.

Aino Trosell debuterade 1978 med romanen Socialsvängen. Hon har skrivit över tjugo böcker i vitt skilda genrer, ett tiotal pjäser samt finns företrädd i över 60 antologier. Hon skriver även för film. Aino har fått över tjugo utmärkelser för sitt författarskap, bland annat Ivar Lo Johanssons personliga pris samt LO:s Ivar Lo-pris. Aino är uppvuxen i Malung och bor i Göteborg.

Aino Trosells egna ord om Motlyckans land: Romanen En gränslös kärlekshistoria som kom ut 2005 handlar om min egen historia på mödernet. Det visade sig att många kände igen sig i denna berättelse. När jag ville skriva historien på fädernet blev det Hjärtblad eftersom jag bland gamla släktingar upptäckte den oskrivna historien om de vandrande dalkullorna.

Mot lyckans land handlar om min pappa, en inbiten socialdemokrat som levde under nästan hela nittonhundratalet, om vår besvärliga relation samt om en del tragikomiska händelser – att jag nu kan skratta åt det jag en gång grät över.

Illustration: Kristina Eriksson och Hans-Göran Meincke

Arkivmaterial ur nr 3-2015

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