Novell: Friheten ska ringa av Jane Morén

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Neonskyltarna på taket när vi sitter på min balkong

Hon ligger i badet. Lyssnar till droppet från kranen. Ringar på vattnet runt knäna som sticker upp. Det onda knäet bredvid det hela. Svullet. Kaklet är blått och lika gammalt som huset och mormor. Hon vänder och vrider på sina händer. Diskrynkorna, småsåren på knogarna. Frågorna. Höll plasthandskarna verkligen hela tiden? Har hon fått någon smitta?

Vattnet. Allt detta diskvatten. Tvättvatten. Badvatten.

Mobilen mullrar i väskan. Jag kanske inte ska gå upp? Jag kanske inte ska det bara. Också jag få välja mitt liv.

Hon stryker längs det onda knäet. Följer med fingrarna ärret efter operationen. Vänder sig om mot telefonens ihärdiga surrande. Svarar med mobilen en bit ifrån örat för att inte den där strålningen ska börja hetta i hennes örsnibb. Så ömtålig hon blivit. Smärtor, problem, överkänsligheter. Vägen hennes: att bli ett vrak, en utsliten cykel, en tom säck, trasor, stoft.

”Ok, jag tar det passet också”, svarar hon. Jag fick ett samtal från friheten, vill hon tänka istället. Ljuslågan, skuggorna över det blåa kaklet, krusningarna på vattenytan, som ett universum här i hennes badrum.

Det är höst därute. Blöta gator. Gula och bruna löv, svartblank asfalt. Redan är hennes tygskor lite fuktiga. Fan, inte en kväll till på jobbet med blöta skor. Jag står inte ut längre, tänker hon. Och går runt ett gathörn. Blöta skor och på väg till någon man är rädd för, den man varje kväll måste besöka, sköta om, flera gånger varje arbetspass. Smäll på fingrar som försöker rätta till kläder, ta grepp för tunga lyft. Alla de föraktfulla minerna som plogar upp henne, gör henne gropig, lätt att så ner skit i. ”Och varifrån kommer du då?”

På rasten sätter hon sig ute fastän det är kallt och ruggigt. Ser på himlavalvet. Stjärnorna lyser starkast för alla som mest behöver det. Så hade hennes syster sagt när de var små. Stått och sett upp mot himlen och hört de vuxna smälla hemska ord med tungorna emot varandra. Är du där uppe nu syster? Ser du mig? Hon knyter de nariga fingrarna i täckjackans fickor.

Alla ska dö. Det är faktiskt en obegriplig tanke. Dö. Då är det slut. Alla de som inte når fram, de som haft drömmar om ett bättre liv, hon ser det ofta i den gamlas ögon. Förvåningen. Redan slut?

De trasiga kärlekarna, älskarna som redan ligger under leran, lövtäckena, på havets botten. Ännu värre, de älskare som aldrig funnits. Hur kort kan ett liv vara? Så mycket arbete. Så lite lycka.

Du har valen att skapa ditt liv precis som du vill ha det. Vad betyder det? Hon går vägen om stället där byggkillen föll ner och fick en balk över sig och dog. Stämpla in och sedan aldrig stämpla ut. Eller stämpla ut för evigt. Förra året dog det över sextio arbetare på jobbet. Hur många dör långsamt? I Frankrike tog många på ett teleföretag livet av sig. En ung kvinna hoppade rakt ut genom ett fönster på kontoret. På lunchrasten, eller precis innan. Hon hade varit inne på möte hos ledningen och gick bara ut förbi sina arbetskamrater och hoppade. Föll fyra oändliga eller blixtsnabba våningar mot larmet av liv där nedanför. Utanför ingången till en galleria låg hennes kropp. Kontorskjolen, pumpsen och det lockade håret.

Kvällen rullar fram med behoven i korridorerna och det är svart, men gryningen kommer med ett slags outsläckligt hopp om något annat. Först att få gå hem och tänka ifred. Få ordning på alla tankar som pressas ihop i människorna som bara ska göra som andra bestämmer.

Hemma igen märker hon att hon glömt att tappa ur badet. Det är tänt överallt och teven står på. Hon klär av sig naken och plågar sig ner i det iskalla vattnet. Huttrar och börjar snart hacka tänder. Upp igen och ut med det kalla. Full värme på vattenkranen och vattnet det varma som omsluter henne, lättnadskänslan och hela kroppen slappnar av. Ligger stilla igen framför textteven senare och läser om världen och landet där hon bor. Att man får döda arbetare. Det är ok. Ge dem cancer om det ger aktieägarna mer årsavkastning. Tappa balkar som krossar deras kroppar om man inte hinner, vill, har råd att säkra. Driva dem att kasta sig ut genom fönster.

Hon sjunker ner under vattenytan. Kisar med ögonen. De passerar framför hennes ögon. Arbetarna. De giftfyllda, de som hostar blod, tappar sitt hår, sina barn i magen i missfallen, knäcker sina ryggar i ett lyft, de som hoppar framför ett tåg i desperation.

Hon kippar under vattenytan, som en balk på lungorna, syret. Hon frustar upp. Ljuslågan flämtar häftigt och kastar sig ner åt vänster. Blå kaklet skimrar. Imma på badrumsspegeln.

Hon känner på ärret på knäet. Nio år i vården. Om inte vi kommer, vem kommer då? Har jag valt mitt liv, mina skador? Vilka var valen? Alla arbetarna över hela världen, hur många val hade de?

Neonljusen utanför fönstren. Staden där hon bor. Håret hennes som flyger vilt i ansiktet där hon står på balkongen.

Friheten ska ringa. Jo, så ska det bli. Friheten ska ringa. Hon ska säga ja.

Jane Morén
(KLASS nr 1-2015)

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